finding meaning

what writing a poem a day taught me

Seen in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn on my walk the other day :)

From April 14th to May 13th I wrote one poem a day and posted it here on Substack. While this was definitely a challenge that tested my ability to write and reflect on a daily basis, it was one of the most rewarding journeys I have undertaken. Throughout the 30 days, I had many people engage with the poems, making this month the most secrets from a trans girl has grown in terms of expanding my online community on Substack since I started it 7 months ago, so thank you! 

So why did I choose to write a poem a day for one month? 

Well, it was for more reasons than April being National Poetry Month (although that certainly acted as the catalyst to start it then). I had just come back from a six week trip to Thailand and Australia, then back to Washington and Oregon state for a bit before getting back to New York. I quickly wrote my reflections on my experiences of traveling while trans (which you can read here) but then found myself with little inspiration or ideas of what to write about. I needed some juice, something to kick me into gear to just write. Without any pressure of perfection, just a little bit every day to get something on the page. I almost did this in my journal, locked away from the world to see, but I figured that I should embrace why I really started this blog: to document my transition… the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

When I start things, I tend to commit myself to them, kind of like my transition. This blog was initially about posting scribbles, thoughts, musings, and reflections as I go on this journey with myself, my loved ones, and the world. Because of this, I always knew that many of my pieces might end up being unedited, unfinished, or a little bit raw and unfiltered. However, I felt like this was representative of me, because transition is raw and vulnerable, and I too feel unfinished. I really cannot believe that I am coming up on one year of HRT. I am already reflecting on what a year it has been and how far I have come. 

So I posted my first of what was going to be 30 poems, in 30 days, on April 14th. I thought that it would be easy. I had sat down in the park on a temperate (not yet sticky!) spring day in Brooklyn and written that first poem in just under an hour. I knew that I could commit myself to about an hour a day to write. Once I posted the first poem announcing to the world that I was undergoing this challenge of sorts, I knew that I would be locked in. Finding a rhythm was going to be essential. 

While I found myself in a groove around the second week, I started to find days where I was uninspired, unmotivated, or just simply felt too busy to sit down and write a poem (I do have a full-time job and a social life after all!). While poems tend to be short, they can be hard because of the way that you tend to find synonymous words in order to create meaning within parallel experiences. To me, poetry has always felt like painting on a canvas, only words are your medium.

What I gained most from writing a poem a day for a whole month was the way that I had to find poetry in everything and anything. When I was brainstorming my daily topic, I would just begin writing what was on my mind. Being able to turn just about any thought into poetry speaks boldly and loudly about the power of daily life as a trans person. Our experiences are poems in themselves. We dance on piano keys that play in tune with the sound of our hearts. 

I have also learned that when we commit ourselves to things that seem difficult or scary, we grow a lot. In that way, writing a poem a day heavily accompanied my gender journey. Being still earlier on in transition, every day can be scary, but it is also an exciting opportunity to learn and grow more into myself. Each day is an act of vulnerability because I am living an honest life. So too was bearing my heart and soul on the page for you all to read in a little-poem format.

Naturally, because of this, many of my poems ended up being related to topics and thoughts that I have surrounding my transition. Some were difficult to write about, and felt vulnerable to post for the world to read. I wrote about my potential loss of fertility and ability to have biological children, being a wombless woman, the trans healthcare complex in this country, spending most of my life being misgendered (or misunderstood), and harassment that I sometimes have to endure being in public. These poems made me feel like my wounds were on display.  

However, I also found myself writing about how much joy I experience. The little things that give me euphoria, such as the death of my beard, the softening of my skin, the freedom to be who I want to be, learning to love in a sapphic relationship, and growing and becoming the strong and fearless woman that I have always wanted to be. Some poems were also simply just about simple pleasures that I enjoy, such as fruit. 

This is being trans to me, and I would imagine that it is shared by many others who have their own trans experiences. We have ups and downs. We have days of immense joy and ones of frustration and anxiety. But one thing is always consistent: we are living poems. Everyday that we step outside of our doors we are engaging in writing a song that can be heard around the world. We have been getting a lot of attention in the media and the public eye as of late, unfortunately leading to much discourse about our right to be alive. However, if you are choosing to uplift our poetic existence, then thank you. To be alive and free in this world is rarely a given. I found that poetry helps to steady the heart and give meaning to this thing we call being. 

As always, thank you for being here! I am planning on returning to my regularly scheduled weekly Sunday posts (I know this one is a bit late!). I hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend. With love, from Elle. <3