Some might not know how this blog got its name. “Secrets From a Trans Girl (Who Has Yet To See It All) is a play on the Lorde song “Secrets from a Girl (Who Has Seen It All)”. I had been brainstorming blog names once I had decided that I wanted to begin one and was struggling to find something that captured what my vision for this all would be. The song came on amidst my Spotify shuffle and it all felt like it clicked.
Your dreams and inner visions, all your mystical ambitions
They won't let you down
Do your best to trust all the rays of light
Everybody wants the best for you
But you gotta want it for yourself
My love.
These are the words that prompted what this blog was founded on. When I started this all last October, I wanted to be raw, honest, and open about the ups and downs of what I knew was going to be one of my life's greatest journeys.
Of course she is speaking as a cis woman, presumably to another cis woman, about important parts of growing from a girl into a woman. That being said, this song all feels incredibly fitting to being a trans woman too. My dreams, inner vision, and mystical ambitions of living a life of honesty and authenticity will never let me down. I have to do my best to trust all the rays of my light. Everybody (in my community) wants the best for me, and knows that I’m a woman, but sometimes the hardest part is wanting it, and believing it, for myself. I think Lorde was actually speaking to me…
Now, today is the last day of June which means Pride Month is coming to a close. Because of this, I wanted to reflect a little bit on my first Pride experience being out as a trans woman in a lesbian relationship.
beach
First of all… WOW did I feel proud proud proud this year. The Pride energy in NYC, and Brooklyn especially, is so unmatched. There were so many Pride events this month that it was truly overwhelming to decide which ones to go to. I feel like this is a good problem to have, though.
At the start of the month I went to Jacob Riis beach and wore a women's bathing suit in New York for the first time (I had worn them for the first official time when I was in Thailand in the winter). For those who don’t know, Riis is the queer beach in the Rockaways in deep Queens, NYC. It is full of queer and trans people… g-strings and speedos… top surgery scars and estrogenized boobs. It is heavenly.
Usually, the beach is a stressful place for us trans folks. I am always insecure about people looking at me, being hostile towards me, and just making me feel unsafe for being alive. At Riis, every body is there, in commune of cultivating queer and trans joy. I have been twice this month and it is one of the most joyous spaces that I have ever been to. The only looks that you might get your way are respectful… perhaps even flirtatious. A sandy T4T dream.
brooklyn
Speakers booming, rattling my already alcohol-ringing ears, filling them with sped-up hardstyle Lady Gaga remixes, finds me at another moment of pride this month. Friday was Ladyland festival in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. All of the artists were queer and/or trans and knew the task at hand was to curate a soundtrack for queer and trans joy that lasted one night, but could be remembered and felt beyond. While the lineup was stacked with artists such as Baby Tate, Countess Luann, Slayyyter, and Tinashe, it is HorsegiirL’s set that still plays in my ears.
Unfortunately though, there was a phone thief on the prowl at the festival and my partner fell victim to their slimy plan. We had gone from one stage to another to see HorsegiirL when we realized that her phone was missing. We retraced our steps but couldn’t find it, and when I called the phone it went straight to voicemail, meaning it had been stolen and turned off rather than lost in the crowd. After reporting it to lost and found among a handful of other queers who’d had their phones stolen too, there wasn’t much else we could do… but dance.
The remix is in double time from the original, and plays out:
I've had a little bit too much, much (Oh, oh, oh-oh)
All of the people start to rush (Start to rush by)
A dizzy twister dance, can't find my drink or man
Where are my keys? I lost my phone, phone (Oh, oh, oh-oh)
Just dance
Gonna be okay
Just dance
Spin that record, babe
Just dance
Gonna be okay
Da-da-da-dance, dance, dance
Just, j-j-just dance
It felt all too fitting for the phone situation… and of course for Pride. I remember when I was a kid Lady Gaga was one of the only queer artists that was on the level of fame that she was on. Now, things seem to be changing, but throwing it back to a pop legend is a great way to celebrate. We danced and danced and danced… phoneless but joyous… into the next day.
bodyhack
I think that’s what some of us trans folks have done; Hacked our bodies to align with our souls. Every month there is a party in Bushwick for trans and non-binary people called Bodyhack. A portion of the ticket sales go towards trans organizations, individual surgery fundraisers, or housing/community support funds for trans and enby people in the community. I try to go every month, but I’ve really only been about 5 times. For June, they do an extra big Bodyhack for Pride, which usually warrants very long lines and waits to get inside. Thankfully this year I bought a ticket in advance and got to skip the line.
More dancing and dancing and being in my body in a space full of other hacked bodies. We are all in communion to celebrate our deification. Gods, goddesses, and creators of these bodies that we have built brick by brick in order to call home, and as visionaries of a world that we want to see.
All of these joyous moments that happened this Pride, in this body that I now call home, have brought me closer to understanding what that word really means. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines pride as “reasonable self-esteem : confidence and satisfaction in oneself : self-respect”. Sure… these are basic tenets to having pride, but it fails to account for the incredible ways in which Pride is manifested in embodiment.
What I mean is yes… we create “reasonable self-esteem, confidence, and satisfaction” to have pride, but what does that look like when the world is trying to take that away from you? Of course, you fight back. You protest. You make your voice heard. But at the same time you take care of yourself, your loved ones, and you cultivate a community built on radical acceptance and honesty. Sometimes these Pride events feel like scarily honest spaces because of how authentic everyone is. There is no hiding, and nor should there be.
This was my first Pride where I didn’t hide. I let my soft skin bake in the Atlantic sun. I let my pillowey lips act as a bed on a rainbow. I let my long legs sweat in my black boots. I let my slicked back hair shine under the Kosciuszko bridge, loosening throughout the night. I let the world know that this is who Elle is. All in all, I let myself be alive.
Happy Pride<333 To many many more… and to Pride Month never really being over.
So glad you were able to fully be you this Elle. That beach sounds amazing!